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By James Johnson March 09, 2019

A dad joke is basically an embarrassingly terrible joke. They are usually short, typically puns, and are presented as one-liners or a question and answer. If told by a father, it evokes the response, “Please stop dad.” Yes, they are that awful. Brace yourself for the following cringy jokes that will most likely ruin your day.

    1. What does a vegetarian zombie eat? Graaains

    2. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot

    3. Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Amazing food, no atmosphere

    4.  What’s the perfect time to visit a dentist? Tooth hurty

    5. Did you hear about the man who lost both his left leg and arm? He’s all right now

    6.  What do you call a dog magician? A Labracadabrador

    7. Wanna hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind, it's tearable

    8. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? Heard he was going through a stage

    9. Spring is finally here, I get so excited I wet my plants.

    10. What do you call a person who sees a robbery at an apple store? An iWitness

    11. What do you call fake noodles? Impasta

    12. What do sharks say when something cool happens? Jawesome

    13. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

    14. What did the bartender say to the ham sandwich after it ordered a beer? Sorry we don’t serve food here

    15. Why was the pony given a glass of water? Because it was a little horse

    16. Have you heard about the population of Ireland? It’s Dublin

    17. What do you call a Mexican who lost his car? Carlos

    18. What do you call a factory that deals with passable products? A satisfactory

    19. How many lips do flowers have? Tulips

    20. Why did the scarecrow win the award? It was outstanding in the field

    21. What did the termite say after walking in the bar? Is the bar tender here?

    22. Do you know why that cemetery is considered popular? Because people are dying to get in there.

    23. Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with

    24. What happened to the peanut that was walking on the street in the middle of the night? It was a salted

    25. Why couldn’t the bike stand by itself? It was too tired

    26. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

    27. What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? Irrelephant

    28. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it

    29. Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing

    30. Why was he fired from the calendar factory? He took a couple of days off

    31. I would have told you the joke about construction but I’m still working on it

    32. What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? Nacho cheese

    33. Mom: How do I look? Dad: With your eyes

    34. What happened to the grape after it was stepped on? It let out a little wine

    35. How do you stop an astronaut's baby from crying? You rocket

    36. The shovel really was a ground-breaking invention

    37. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents

    38. Why are football stadiums always cold? Because they are full of fans

    39. What did one goldfish say to the other after they were both put in a tank? “Do you how to drive this thing?”

    40. Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? Because they make up everything

    41. How many tickles will make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles

    42. What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller

    43. Which superhero hit the most home runs? Batman 

    44. How do prisoners call each other? They use cell phones

    45. Why did the vampire spit out Taylor Swift’s blood? She had bad blood

    46. Why was the picture sent to jail? It was framed

    47. Heard about the kidnapping at the school? It’s alright, he woke up

    48. What was the name of the fattest knight at King Arthur’s table? Sir Cumfrence

    49. How does the ocean say hello? It waves

    51.  What is the name of the loudest pet one can get? A trumpet

    52. What kind of hair do they sell a the supermarket?  Eggstansions

    53. You know what they say if you do not succeed at first, never try ski diving.

    54. Why did the toilet paper struggle to cross the road? It got stuck in the crack

    55. who is the polar bear's favorite pop star?  Seal

    56. What is Trey Song's favorite fruit?  Banana

    57. I hurt my foot the other day and I called the Toe company.   This is my step ladder, I never really knew my ladder

    58. How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?   None

    59. Why can you not trust Geographers?  They are all over the map
    60. Which team scares chickens the most? The Denver Nuggets
    61. The girl rapping while on her menstrual cycle had a mean flow
    62. What did the fat girl say to the pig?  Daaahaaam
    63. How did people know that Princess Diana had dandruff?  They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment
    64. Why do you never see black people on cruise ships?   They are not falling for that one again
    65. How do alcoholics get into their houses?  Wis-key
    66. How does the angel answer the phone?  Hello
    67. How did they count the cows?   With a cows-culator
    68. What is a Microsoft pun?  Word
    69. What is Mr frog's favorite drink?   Croachacola
    70. What do you call a farm that makes bad jokes?   Corny
    71. What would bears be without Bees?  Ears
    72. What do hot dogs use to shave?   Barbar-cue
    73. Why do you need needles in your team?   They are great for high-pressure stituations
    74. Why are people always telling black jokes and no white jokes?   They do not want to lose their jobs
    75. Where do you go for Black Friday shopping?Old gravy
    76. What do you say when a fat person can't read?   Imagine its a menu
    77. Why can't an ear be 12 inches long?   That would be a foot
    78. Why can't a man be a woman?   They don't have a vagina
    79. How do billboards talk?  Sign language
    80. What do you call ghost poop?  Booboo
    81. What rapper is in a toolbox?  Plies
    82. Why is this woman not scared of blood?   She bleeds every month
    83. What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?   Billie jeans
    84. What did the black father say to his newborn?  See me now, see me no more
    85. What has four legs and can fly?  Two birds
    86. What do these identical twins have in common?  Everything
    87. How does Moses make his own tea?  Hebrews it
    88. What is the scariest thing about a white man in prison   You know he actually did it
    89. How do you cut the ocean in half?  With a sea-saw
    90. Why are basketball players always stumbling around?   They kept taking shots
    91. What did the fat girl say after crossing the road?  I am Hungry
    92. Why was the broom late for work?  It overswept
    93. Where do you get when crossing the Atlantic ocean with Titanic?  Halfway

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